Behind The Burger: The Sad Reality of Ronald McDonald

Posted by: Scotty Trigg on May 21st, 2010

Ronald McDonald has long been an admired figure. Kids the world over brighten up when they see the affable clown, with his unmistakable red hair, yellow jumpsuit and striped shirt. They know upon spotting him that a chicken nuggie Happy Meal (replete with toy) is not too far in the future. But little does anyone know the true and sad story behind the clown. Don’t be fooled by that big bright red smile…there are tears underneath. Wipe away the makeup and you’ll find something not so pretty.

It all started out so innocent. He was quite the gentleman…just lounging in the park.

He was respectful to the police.

He helped the elderly.

But then people started to treat him as an idol. They even knelt before him. This quickly got to his head.

Women began coming on to him…at first in was seemingly innocent. A kiss on the cheek here and there.

Shortly things got out of control. He began drinking.

His health deteriorated and for one stretch he even lost his hair.

He started harassing women.

He began soliciting masseuses that offered “happy endings.”

He quickly realized the power he had over women and how easily he could get what he wanted from them.

His appetite for sex escalated and he quickly became addicted.

He particularity enjoyed receiving “head”.

He was not one to turn down a regular romp…

…but also would venture to the more extreme.

Women were not enough and he was soon spotted with men.

…and eventually turned to pedophilia.

After all his sexcapades, his mental well-being and general health declined. He was seen homeless at times.

The long arm of the law had to pick him up on occasion. Usually drunk and in a stupor. Sometimes passed out in a park.

His last resort was to turn his internal pain and suffering to rage…but he ended up attacking the wrong person….

…a man with connections. He was held at gun point…his life flashed before his eyes…and for that last moment he realized the mistake in his ways. How far he’d veered from his good ol’ days…

…but it was too late. In a hail of gun fire he was taken out…by none other than Jack himself.

And that is the sad sad tale behind the once respected and loved clown of the Golden Arches. Let this be a lesson to you kids. Don’t take the route that Ronald did. Behave yourself, mind your manners and be a good citizen. In the long run you’ll be better off (even if you have a shitty job).